Update - Contraction Test and Plans!

I feel like all I ever do is "Update"... between emailing our Mom's, our friend's, my personal blogs, etc.. it just seems like every email / blog title is "update" I get to the point where I just dont even remember who I tell what to anymore! Thats why I'm trying to just get everyone to read on here so I dont have to do all these personal updates but then *I* am bad about doing that! Bleh!

Okay.. Thursday we had another lovely contraction stress test. This one took us a total of 3 hours I think? It was horribly long! We didn't even have time to go from the test to lunch and home.. we had to go from the test, to eating lunch while driving to my therapists appointment and Kevin just had to sit in the waiting room (we thought we'd have time that I could atleast drop him off at home.. NOPE!) hahah..

Ive had a rough few days.. I kinda had to come to terms with the fact that I'm more then likely not going to get to have a natural drug free hypnobirth! I'm probably not going to get to breast feed Victoria for long (if at all).. and everything I WANTED probably is not going to happen. So.. I need to just mentally prepare myself for dealing with what has been handed to me.. And if anyone know's me well, I do NOT take disappointment very well!! (who does?) but I'm a pretty big cry baby when things don't work out how I planned them in my head!

I think my bad days got set off by getting my medication list from my doctor saying most all my meds are not recommended during breast feeding. That and with the constant talk of induction.. it all just finally made me say "screw it" (not exactly the words I was "thinking" but this is a nice happy family blog spot! HAHAHA)

So after crying quite a bit Wednesday night I was pretty down come Thursday morning (the morning of my contraction test)... So when I was laying in the bed in triage at St. John's.. the nurse asked if I wanted to do the test naturally like last week, or have the Pitocin drip. I said Pitocin drip. That got Kevin to stop reading his newspaper.. He looked at me and was like, "are you sure?" and I said "yup!" I think thats when he realized I'm giving up on things and am getting depressed.

The nurse said she had to call my doctor to make sure that the Pitocin was okay to give me and then we'll get started. I just wonder what Dr. Noland thought when that nurse called her and told her that. Because I have been SO die hard "NO PITOCIN" this whole time! My "birth plan" says "no pitocin" and "No induction" all over it! And she even commented last monday about how she had to explain to the nurses about my last test that I will want the natural way not the drug way and they were really confused because no one has ever wanted it that way I guess *shrug*

I guess I kinda wanted the Pitocin cuz I know its a small amount and that would let *ME* know how Victoria will react to the drug (Pitocin is a synthetic version of Oxytocin which is what your body naturally releases when in labor, but it can cause horrible contractions, stress on you and the baby, and can make the labor worse and can put you at a higher risk for a c-section)... SO.. yeah.. I figured they'll just give me a little "Pit" and it will give me an idea how she reacts and how bad it hurts!

So I laid there for awhile and they finally came in with like 10 bags of stuff (all the IV equipment and needles and this and that!) And she said they're gonna take my blood before the IV so just in case I need to stay (this test can send you into full on labor!) they'll have blood already for me.. and if I dont need to stay, they'll just throw the blood away.. So i was like "whatever" hahah..

I don't like needles! Unless I'm getting pretty jewelry out of it.. I dont do needles (bodypiercings HAHHA) So she took my blood, and somewhere between the blood taking and the IV inserting I felt cold on my hand and sure enough, blood was dripping all over my hand, on the floor, on the bed.. I'm just like Oh LORD! YUCK! The thing I hate more then needles, BLOOD!

Finally they got me set up and going.. I felt like they were pumping me full of Heroin or something. That is how incredibly guilty and sad I was feeling. I felt like the worst Mommy in the world to be putting something in my body that could be causing distress on my baby girl. I just laid there trying not to cry and trying to just remember "lots of people use this drug and they're fine!" But it just wasnt a happy thing for me.. I truely felt absolutely horrible about this decision but it was too late to turn back now!

I laid there what seemed like forever and I was feeling the contractions and they were a lot worse then they are naturally.. so that wasnt exactly fun. But the stupid monitor wasnt showing my contractions.. I was just like WHAT!?!? So the nurse finally said the monitor is screwed up and its not detecting them right (DUH!) and long story short they got it working fine FINALLY...

I passed the test, Victoria passed the test (she was all bouncy and happy that day!) and we were finally told we could go home.. I had contractions most the day after that tho and all thru the night.

The doctors have been mentioning induction to me since Early March if not before that. ANd I have been saying "NO"... No one would give me a reason as to WHY to induce.. other then "She's small and can survive on her own outside so there is no reason to keep her in longer". Well.. face it, there are a lot of doctors out there who are in this for the money and there are alot of people in this for conveinience.. and most people I know, would LOVE to be induced! Not me.. I'm a firm believer she'll come out when she's damn well ready to!

However, it was stressed, regardless of what I want, she will NOT go past her due date.. PERIOD! Which is April 16th which is like, really quickly approaching!

That being said.. Dr. Noland asks every week "still no induction?" and I tell her "nope!" and even during my contraction stress test, the nurse asked if i wanted to be induced while there.. I really thought about it.. and I told her no.. I just dont feel mentally prepared for that to happen right that second! And kevin agreed, we aren't ready for that on that particular day!

Well.. yeah, so no doc has given me what I will take as a valid reason to induce. Well the nurse at the hospital told me she has the same blood clotting disorder they found out I have. And she told us the reason doctors want to induce is because I can form a blood clot in the umbilical cord which could cut off oxygen and everything else to Victoria and she could possibly die from it and somehow I can cause her to have a blood clot as well. Kevin looked at her and said "thank you, you are the FIRST person to explain this to us!"

Seriously, NO ONE has told us this.. NO ONE. ANd I havent found much online about this blood disorder and pregnancy other then I'm lucky I made it past my first trimester!

So this puts a whole new spin on life. Its gone from my personal feelings on induction to, this could cause me to kill my child if something went wrong! And I'm sorry, no personal feelings on anything is worth my child's life! I dont care what it is!

So I pretty much told Kevin, we HAVE to induce! I mean, com'on.. we have to! Not to mention the fact that we only have exactly 2 weeks (from last thursday) for her to come out on her own.. and I'm not "ready" yet physically "down there". So .. yeah.. It seems to me that induction is going to occur anyhow.. so we might as well just get it over with now.. specially knowing something could seriously happen to her and after my emergency trip to the hospital on April 1st. We just need to do it!

So we got out our calendars and started picking baby birthday's HAHA.. We originally wanted to go for the 14th or so.. but I think after hearing that information, it needs to happen THIS WEEK!

I would love for her to be born on the 7th.. my lucky number.. but thats like, REALLY quick! hahha.. Because from what we learned in class, they'll probably have me come in the night before to give me something to make me "ready" physically and then the next morning begin the pitocin drip and get labor going and then have her! So that would put me in the hospital Monday night (the 6th).. EEK!

SO, I'm gonna ask Dr. Noland on Monday when I see her if there is any way we can be induced maybe on the 9th and have her on the 10th. Or even go in the 8th and have her on the 9th. It doesnt exactly work into our schedule as we wanted (Kev has Wed, Thurs, Fri off work so we thought we'd try to make it on days he already is scheduled to be off so its less stuff to worry about) but we can't have everything our way :) So he said just get it planned and he'll figure out his work schedule later! (the 7th is tuesday.. so we figured if i went in monday night, we'd have the full rest of the week.. thats what Im meaning to say)....

Anyhow.. We'll see what the doc says.. I don't know what days she does inductions .. I do know shes in surgery a lot on Thursdays.. so I'll see what she says. I'm sure I'll be updating the blog come Monday when I find out!

More then likely, this time next week we'll have a little baby in our arms! I woke up at 4am today mad cuz I didnt want to be woken up (gotta love potty breaks all night long) and I was thinking.. if this is bad, in a week, its going to be every 2 hours or less! This is nothing.. I should be loving this! My problem is I appreciate sleep more then anything in this world I think. It truley is my favorite hobby! HAHAH.. so knwing I'm going to be losing sleep soon is like OH MY GOD! Seriously.. thats like taking my oxygen away! Horrible! hahah.

SO yeah... Possibly in one week Miss Tori will be with us.. She'll get to have Easter! (I bought her an Easter basket and put a little pink bunny in it, 4 pacifiers and some hair bows.. yer kinda limited to Easter stuff when it comes to an infant! HAHA)...

It would be awesome if we had her before Easter and were already outta the hospital and feeling well enough to go to Easter lunch with the family. But not knowing when she'll be born, how *I* will feel, I mean, if I have a c-section, I'm probably not going to want to be out and about much! Who know how I'll feel mentally.. there is just so much "what if" and wondering how things are going. So at this time we declined the invitation and if things change then we'll see if they can hold us a spot HAHA.. and if not then we'll spend Easter at home as a family together! And if Tori doesnt get to meet us before Easter, then Kevin will be working and I will be enjoying my beauty sleep possibly HAHA. We'll just have to play it by ear and see what happens!!

Its now 5:45am and my bed is calling me. I have more updates regarding my new therapist I met (I actually like him.. amazing!!!) and about whats going to happen with me medication wise after the baby (Im going to attempt no meds and see how I go.. taking it day by day.. literally!)... and all that stuff.. as you can tell, I can turn a simple statement "I dropped a book" into a 5 page story on how the book fell and how it looked as falling, etc! I'm umm.. "long winded" so yeah.. thats the Cliff Notes version of the therapist info :)

Other then that, I am literatlly scared to death of this baby girl! I am scared I'll be a bad mommy, I am scared I wont be able to handle this, I am scared that Im not going to do things right, I am scared knowing its just me! I dont have much physical support out here! WHen Kevin is at work, its me and Tori against the world! Yeah.. Me = SCARED!!!!!!!!

The quicker this little girl can make her appearence, the less I'll have to stress myself out over because I will be in the NOW and not in the freak out zone of "what am i going to do?"

Hopefully I'll have some pics to post soon... Kevin put the bassinet together tonight... Its getting more and more real by the day!!!!!!!!!!!